A street-smart cop goes undercover to infiltrate and bring to justice a ruthless motorcycle gang before they can carry out their plans of tyranny and murder.
MGM...oh MGM. Your copyright happy trigger finger was at it again. Nothing like editing Stone Cold a few times only to have you take it down again and again. Fun stuff MGM...fun stuff.
Take a journey with DJ and Justin to a simpler time, were MGM made fun and exciting movies existed. Sure, MGM has lost it ways these days but there was a time they made enjoyable films. No, I'm not salty over the pull downs - but Stone Cold is a fun ride. And lets not pull punches here, no one pulls off the business in the front and party in the back like Brian mother F-ing Bosworth!
So, take a ride with us as we watch 90s Stone Cold and now faith-based action star, The Boz!
Yeah, the guy from Stone Cold does faith based action movies now, hey everyone has to make a living.
We
started this new year off with a film from 90's action star and serial
eater, Steven Seagal's Hard to Kill! We continue the Seagal Saga with Fire Down Below, you know the EPA action film...no not that one...the other one...yeah there is another EPA action film.
Fire Down Below
1997 ‧ Thriller/Action ‧ 1h 45m
Description
When an EPA representative is discovered dead in a small Midwestern town, government agent Jack Taggart (Steven Seagal) goes undercover to check things out. He finds that local coal mogul Orin Hanner Sr. (Kris Kristofferson) is cutting financial corners by disposing of hazardous waste wherever he pleases and that local kids are falling ill because of this recklessness. Taggart then works to stop the shady activity and save the town, but Hanner and his thugs soon grow suspicious of him.
Sure, the mystery movie commentaries were fun. But you knew what you wanted and we knew what you needed. So today we give it like it has never been given...That is why, for no other reason, April 26 was circled on our calendars.
A date we know a lot of you have been counting down towards.
A date that will most likely go down in movie history.
April 26, 2019.
The date Simplistic Reviews finally watched...Guns!
A South American gunrunner (Erik Estrada) uses an island in Hawaii
as his base of operations. A squad of beautiful government airfreighters Donna (Dona Speir) and Nicole (Roberta Vasquez) agents is
sent to put him out of business.
Shit yeah! Andy Sidaris! The Sidaris Cinematic Universe continues of the greatest movie series ever! Bombs! Bullets and Babes! This isn't no children's Endgame, this is real shit!
Before he can graduate, cocky high school student Michael Corben (Richard Grieco) travels to France on a school trip to earn a missing French credit. But when a British intelligence agent mistakes Michael for a spy of the same name, they rush him to headquarters and assign him to capture the evil Augustus Steranko (Roger Rees), using a plethora of espionage gadgetry. Michael has the time of his life -- until he crosses paths with two assassins (Tom Rack, Carole Davis) who want him dead.
Director: William Dear
Story by: Fred Dekker
Why? Because why not! Open that bottle of wine you keep thinking about and spend a lovely evening with DJ, Matt, Justin and the God that is Richard Grieco. Feast your eyes upon the Grieco and say goodbye to your family, because looks can kill!
Welcome back to the Simplistic Reviews Movie Commentary! Today we pop in another Amir Shervan film, Killing American Style. It's the 80's and of course Amir will recycle from his masterpiece Samurai Cop; location, music and beefy men with long beautiful hair. The terrible acting mix with cheesy fight scene is the best part along with its nonexistent script. Killing American Style is no Samurai Cop. It's not as funny nor crazy but still a entertaining film except for one thing - rape.
The amount of creepiness is beyond anything we have seen before. There really isn't a need for rape in a movie, especially when the story line doesn't call for it. A simple walk into the room with the door closing gets it point across, what we get here is out of control and unnecessary. Killing American Style is a fun Sunday film to drink and laugh at, just look at that title. But when your looking for another Samurai Cop don't look at Killing American Style, it's in a league of its own.
As descendants of the original Three Musketeers, Peter Porthos (Thomas Gottschalk), John Smith D'Artagnan (David Hasselhoff) and Anne-Marie Athos (Alison Doody) are continuing the chivalrous tradition of protecting those who can't protect themselves, carrying it into the modern age. Rather than fighting lords and counts, these Musketeers have the Mafia to deal with, but they're aided by reformed burglar Burt Aramis (Cheech Marin), the newly knighted fourth Musketeer.
Initial release: December 1, 1992 (Germany)
Director: John Paragon
Production company: Motion Picture Corporation of America
Screenplay: John Paragon, Joel Surnow
Producers:Brad Krevoy, Steven Stabler
Plug that VHS player back in! It time for some David Hasselhoff! That's right, today we watch the Ring of the Musketeers. A made for TV film that... well... nobody remembers. But when you have a modern day (90's) Musketeers film that has a cast that contains the Hoff, Cheech Marin, Alison Doody, John Rhys-Davies, Corbin Bernsen, Timothy Stack, Ricky Jay and Branscombe Richmond. You pretty much stop whatever you are doing and pop this VHS in.
So fix that tracking and enjoy that mono audio (yes this VHS wasn't in stereo) and repeat, Unus pro omnibus, omnes pro uno! Because we do this together ladies and gents! This is the Simplistic Reviews Movie Commentary of Ring of the Musketeers!
The boys of Simplistic Reviews are back! Let's be honest you never believed Ep. 100 was our last... did you? No we can't stop with all these crappy movies out there. Plus the current world we live in needs some terrible grotesque jokes.
So sit back, turn off the lights and enjoy some undefeatable puns...no...they suck...its pretty sad.
Kristi Jones (Cynthia Rothrock) who, along with her gang, take part in Mafia-run street fights to earn money for her sister's college education. Kristi's sister hopes to become a doctor and pay for Kristi's education.
Meanwhile, an underground fighter by the name of "Stingray" (Don Niam) is left by his scared wife, Anna, after raping her, and vows to find her. Stingray has suffered from abandonment issues since early childhood and this new trauma triggers a psychotic break from reality. He begins to kidnap women who resemble his ex-wife, and subsequently tortures them and gouges their eyes out before returning their bodies to the crime scene. Kristi's sister becomes one of the victims, so Kristi tracks down Stingray with the help of police officer Nick DiMarco (John Miller), who might just be falling for her, alongside her sister's psychiatry tutor Jennifer (Donna Jason) and Nick's partner Mike (Gerald Klein).
They eventually track down Stingray, who has kidnapped Jennifer, and fight in a warehouse where he escapes after shooting and killing Mike. Jennifer's injuries, though relatively minor, require that she be admitted to the hospital where she is again kidnapped by Stingray who is impersonating a doctor. Kristi and Nick chase him to a storage area where the three do battle, mostly through hand-to-hand combat. Stingray is bested by the pair, having both eyes gouged out in the process. He's then suspended by the eye-sockets with a meat hook, killing him.
The final scene shows with Kristi and her friends visiting her late sister's resting place to inform her that Stingray has finally been defeated. It is revealed that Kristi has somehow enrolled her former gang in college to give them a chance at a better life, and that Kristi has also been enrolled in college by Nick. The film ends with the group engaging in an impassioned four way high-five.
It's that time of the year again, August. The month we all hated as it was the end of our summer vacation and the beginning of back to school. So a little treat is needed and what could be better then Olympic gymnast Kurt Thomas, who combines his gymnastic ability with martial arts to enter a deadly competition? I'm going to guess NOTHING!. Thomas has a few awards under his leotards. In 1985 he earned the big nomination for a Razzie Award as Worst New Star. Wow nothing but the best for you here at Simplistic Reviews.
"Watching Gymkata is a roundhouse kick of pure American action!" - Justin
So are you ready? Cue up your copy, sit back and be in awe over how a movie like this could even exist. Thank you movie gods!
Deadly Prey is a fun film no doubt about that, might not be great film but boy is this a stupid fun time of a watch. So put on those short shorts, grab a duby and lets do some killing!
Colonel Hogan is a ruthless former military officer who trains a large
group of former U.S. Servicemen as mercenaries by having them hunt down
and kill people they abduct off the streets of Los Angeles. Hogan's
greedy financier Michaelson threatens Hogan to speed up the men's
training or he will pull the plug on Hogan's training camp. However,
Hogan and his men meet their match when their latest kidnap victim turns
out to be a tough gung-ho marine named Mike Danton who despite being
unarmed and hunted, he manages to decimate Hogan's men in detail.
Frustrated Hogan, his tough right-hand man Thornton and personal
assistant Sybil kidnap Danton's wife Jaimy to force him in the open,
while Jaimy's retired police detective father tries to track down her
and Danton who finds an unlikely ally in the form of a former marine
buddy named Cooper who wants to help him take on all of Hogan's men. (IMDB)
Simply Drinking: Take a drink of your favorite alcoholic beverage every time someone sneaks up on another person.
Ah... 2017 is going to be a good year! All new 90's Andy Sidaris' Films to watch. Honestly what more could you want?!
Shit...I just remembered...the 90's sucked and the world is in turmoil. Oh well let's enjoy what we have left then.
Drug agents Donna (Dona Speir) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton) crash-land on a
remote island, rumored to have a gold treasure. Treasure isn't the only
thing on this island, war-gold seekers searching for their gold will do
anything for riches.
Continuing our marathon of the one and only Andy Sidaris. If this is your first time, Sidaris is the king of B-Rated films that pretty much only contains the 3 elements any film really ever needs Bullets, Babes and Sex!
Today we let lose on Picasso Trigger, another solid entry into the Sidaris legacy.
"Double agent Picasso Trigger is assassinated in Paris by double-crossing
bad guy Miguel Ortiz. Then Ortiz begins eliminating agents of The
Agency who were involved in his brother's death. The Agency (belatedly)
springs into action to stop Ortiz' heinous activities. The usual
gunplay, romance, and nifty toys with bombs ensue."
So grab a cold one and get ready for a thrill of a lifetime, because kids this is...
How did someone think a knockoff of Die Hard with Sean Astin would be a good idea?
It's that time of the year! Sunday Night Movie Night! Since the holidays are near and the snow is on the ground we figured Icebreaker is the right choice! (boy are we wrong)
Even MJ gives it his seal of approval. So everyone snuggle up in your blanket, pure some eggnog, get that fire going and sit back and enjoy the 2000 Classic,
Icebreaker!
FUN FACTS:
IT SUCKS
A PEZ IS USED AS A WEAPON
A VHS IS USED AS A WEAPON
BOMBS COUNT UP IN THIS FILM
IS IT BASED ON A TRUE STORY
NOPE THATS A LIE
SEAN ASTIN IS 14 IN THIS FILM AND EVERY OTHER FILM
TOOK US OVER A YEAR TO TRACK DOWN A COPY
WHAT A WASTE OF A YEAR THAT WAS
SEAN ASTIN HAS A COKE PROBLEM
THIS FILM IS ALL OVER THE PLACE
STACY KEACH SIT 99% OF THE FILM
There are films that come and go. Great films that missed the limelight and never get the recognition they deserve.
Then there is Hard Ticket To Hawaii, a film that's not amazing but we are glad it was made. It's a crazy film that feels like they honestly just run and gun it. And even though this film isn't perfect, it is one fun film to watch.
Can his son, a high school gymnast, along with a spy catch the man/woman who killed him?
Team up with DJ and Justin to find out on the next Monday Night Movie Night!
Never Too Young To Die
92 mins / Action / 1986
Secret agent Drew Stargrove is brutally murdered by the ruthless Van Ragnar. In this action-packed Bond-style thriller, the murdered secret agent's son, Lance Stargrove is thrust into the dangerous and intriguing world of secret agents and espionage when he seeks revenge against Van Ragnar. Danja Deerling teams up with Lance as his sidekick and love interest.
