(Ep. 96): Jack Frost 2 - Movie Commentary: December 2017

Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman

R

 2000 ‧ Slasher/Fantasy ‧ 1h 31m

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 Sam (Christopher Allport) is traumatized by his experience the previous Christmas, battling Jack Frost (Matt Falletta), a murderous snowman possessed by a serial killer. His wife, Anne (Eileen Seeley), thinks a trip to the tropics will get his mind off the snow, so they pack their bags and head to a resort on an island in the Pacific. Meanwhile, the FBI accidentally resurrects Jack's remains during an experiment. Jack heads to the island, covers it in snow and embarks on another rampage.

Initial release: November 21, 2000

Director: Michael Cooney

Film series: Jack Frost Film Series

Music composed by: Chris Anderson

Screenplay: Michael Cooney

Well to finish off our Holiday Movie Commentaries we decided to dive into Jack Frost 2. There is much to say but watch the first Jack Frost and stop. Jack Frost 2 is not a good bad movie but a bad movie. They forgot the good this time around. So stay warm by that fire place and remember not to eat the yellow snow!

Happy Hanukkah

Merry Christmas

Happy Festivus

Happy New Year

and from us all at Simplistic Reviews thank you for listening and reading! We have big things planned this year we think you will enjoy!

 See you next year... 

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(Ep. 95): Elves - Movie Commentary: December 2017

Elves

R

1989 ‧ Drama/Horror ‧ 1h 29m

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A department-store Santa Claus (Dan Haggerty) discovers a Neo-Nazi plot to mate a nice girl (Julie Austin) with an elf in Colorado.

Release date:  October 24, 1989

Director: Jeffrey Mandel

Screenplay: Jeffrey Mandel

Music composed by: Vladimir Horunzhy

Production company: Action International Pictures

That time of the year is back when the gang sits around and watches nothing but terrible holiday themed movies.

Today is not only our first appearance of Dan Haggerty here at Simplistic Reviews but also a ending for a movie that flabbergasted DJ. I suppose this would already be enough for a Movie Commentary but nope...that's not all. We also have a homeless department store Santa investigating a modern-day Neo-Nazi plot to finally bring about the master race that Hitler had always dreamed of.

Instead of a race of pure-blood Aryans, it is revealed that Hitler dreamed of a race of half-human/half-elf hybrids.

Yep... what a movie everyone. So grab that egg nog and sit back, things are about to get weird.


Merry Christmas!


P.S. Enjoy the Elves because next week is a cold one set on a tropical island. Try not to question it.

   

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(Ep. 94): SR Podcast - December 2017

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

On this early holiday addition of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast, the boys discuss all the Hollywood news they missed while on Thanksgiving break during an edition of Can You Dig It. They also review everything from The Punisher to Vice Principals during TV Roundup. They even get to try out some new impressions during the game Simply Quotable…and all this is bookended by Justin’s attempt to cancel a gift basket he bought from Costco…yes really. All that, a new trailer spoof, and some underhanded shots at Matt Lauer on this Season’s Greetings episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

NOTES
Vince McMahon Buys WCW

DC Execs Rush Justice League for bonuses

Amazon Lord Of The Rings

MUSIC
By The Croft By Joakim Karud

Road Trip By Joakim Karud

Utopia In Peril By Chillout

Chill Out Soul Rap By Nkato

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(Ep. 93): Killer Klowns from Outer Space - Movie Commentary: October 2017

Killer Klowns from Outer Space

PG-13 ‧ 1988 ‧ Science fiction film/Cult film ‧ 1h 28m

When teenagers Mike (Grant Cramer) and Debbie (Suzanne Snyder) see a comet crash outside their sleepy small town, they investigate and discover a pack of murderous aliens who look very much like circus clowns. They try to warn the local authorities, but everyone assumes their story is a prank. Meanwhile, the clowns set about harvesting and eating as many people as they can. It's not until they kidnap Debbie that Mike decides it's up to him to stop the clowns' bloody rampage.
Release date: May 20, 1988 (USA)

What could be better then watching some Killer Klowns this Halloween!? Well with the Simplistic Reviews crew! Join us as we watch a movie that was made to be wacky and goof, yet its still better then half the shit that comes out today! So grab that frankenberry! Pour some of that Halloween themed choice of beer because... this Movie Commentary is gonna scare your socks off!

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(Ep. 92): SR Podcast - October 2017

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

 On this October episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast, Matthew takes the reigns and guides us on a spooky journey which takes us from Harvey Weinstein, to Tyrese & Rock beefs, to Rush Hour sequels. The boys play the game where crossdressing is totally allowed, What Are You Supposed to be, and we all try to figure out the name of the black guy who hosted Nick Arcade. All that and more on a terror-filled edition of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast!

NOTES

The Rock v Tyrese

Deathsalker

Justice League Trailer

Pacific Rim Trailer

MUSIC
The Thing Theme by John Carpenter

The Great Pumpkin Soundtrack by Vince Guaraldi

Gremlins Theme by Jerry Goldsmith

Beetlejuice Theme by Danny Elfman

Halloween Theme by Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross

Psycho Killer by Talking Heads

Killer Klowns From Outer Space Theme by The Dickies

Savin' The Day by Alessi

The Shining Theme by Wendy Carlos and Rachel Elkind

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(Ep. 91): Samurai Cop - Movie Commentary: September 2017

Samurai Cop

1991 ‧ Crime film/Thriller ‧ 1h 36m

Play trailer on YouTube

Release date:January 1, 1989 (USA)

Director:Amir Shervan

Screenplay: Amir Shervan

Film series: Samurai Cop Film Series

Well we know how to pick them don't we? Movie Commentary is back but this time with MORE ACTION! MORE BABES AND MORE INCREDIBLE LINE READING!

What the hell is Samurai Cop? You may be asking... Well according to Google it's about ...

But according to IMDB...

Samurai Cop follows Joe Marshall and Frank Washington who are police detectives assigned to stop the ruthless activities of the Katana a renegade Yakuza gang composed of violent and sadistic killers! All they want want to lead the drug trade in Los Angeles. 

Then again... since we live in a world of fake news and fake facts its honestly entirely up to debate. But we here at Simplistic Reviews say, "Samurai Cop is a classic on so many levels!"

Everyone hold on this one gets kinda weird but then again it was the early 90's.

Here we go, this is Samurai Cop!

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(Ep. 90): SR Podcast - September 2017

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

Hello friends and soon-to-be enemies!  Since its Labor Day Weekend, the gang at Simplistic Reviews thought it would be a great time to get back to work.  But it wasn't all fun and games on our Summer break.  The fellas got a brand new studio...a brand new intern...and brand new ideas to pollute your brain with...like a sitcom about Hitler and Eva Braun or the craziest idea for a Bridesmaids sequel you'll ever hear.  In between that Matt, Justin, and DJ tackle some of the topics they missed and prepare for nuclear winter from either North Korea or our own government while staving off ignored but still rampant national racism; institutional or otherwise...FUN FUN FUN!  But mainly they use obscenities to take out everything from The Dark Tower, to a Joker stand alone film, to Brett Ratner.  All this and more on an Always Sunny episode of The Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

0:00:00 Opening Skit
0:03:50 Show Monologue
0:8:43 Simplistic Showcase
0:36:55 TV Round Up
1:05:34 Kill F%$k Marry
1:32:21 Closing Skit

MUSIC

Action In Memphis By Johnny Pearson

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia Theme 
Cocaine Model By ZHU

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(Ep. 89): Gymkata - Movie Commentary: August 2017

Gymkata

1985 ‧ R ‧ Action/Action/Adventure ‧ 1h 30m

(Trailer) YouTube

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It's that time of the year again, August. The month we all hated as it was the end of our summer vacation and the beginning of back to school. So a little treat is needed and what could be better then Olympic gymnast Kurt Thomas, who combines his gymnastic ability with martial arts to enter a deadly competition? I'm going to guess NOTHING!. Thomas has a few awards under his leotards. In 1985 he earned the big nomination for a Razzie Award as Worst New Star. Wow nothing but the best for you here at Simplistic Reviews. 

"Watching Gymkata is a roundhouse kick of pure American action!" - Justin

So are you ready? Cue up your copy, sit back and be in awe over how a movie like this could even exist. Thank you movie gods!

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(Ep. 88): SR Podcast - July 2017

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

When this show gets to 88 episodes, you're gonna hear some serious shit!  On the July edition of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast, the boys tackle everything from Back To The Future to Judge Dredd.  Justin is in the driver's seat for Word Association and tells his Steve Guttenberg story, DJ is forced to say something nice about Transformers: The Last Knight, Matt talks Castlevania Netflix 5000 on TV Roundup, and the boys take a break for the show to do a live commentary track on a television show in honor the great Adam West in a new segment called Simply Goofing Off.  (Watch Along With Them With The Following Link: SIMPLY GOOFING OFF.) All that and more on a time traveling episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

0:00:00 Opening Skit
0:03:54 Show Monologue
0:12:09 Word Association
0:43:28 TV Round Up
0:53:27 Simply Goofing Off
1:16:58 Simply Say Anything

MUSIC

Power Of Love By Huey Lewis And The News

Back In Time By Huey Lewis And The News

Goof Troop

I Dream Of Jeanie Remix

By The Croft By Joakim Karud

Cocaine Model By ZHU

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(Ep. 87): Thunder in Paradise - Movie Commentary: June 2017

Thunder in Paradise

PG

 1993 ‧ Adventure ‧ 1h 44m

With all of the remakes coming out these days we figured doing Thunder in Paradise would help our chances of getting Hurricane Spencer and Bru back on the waters kicking ass on silver screen, or maybe not.  

 Terry "Hulk" Hogan stars as R. J. "Hurricane" Spencer who is an ex-Navy S. E. A. L. and confirmed bachelor struggling to make ends meet. In order to save his superboat THUNDER (and ultimately, his business) Spencer is forced into a marriage of convenience with the snobby Megan Whitaker. When Megan gets kidnapped it's up to Spencer and his partner Bru to save the day or risk losing everything.

Well today is the perfect day to release this action packed movie commentary. With July 4th days away, this holiday weekend we thought, what could be more American then ex-Navy SEALS saving the day off the Florida coastline?

 Answer? NOTHING...Thunder in Paradise it is!

So join us this holiday along with classical trained actor (and def not racist) Hulk Hogan and America's 2nd favorite Lemmon.

Hell even the "President" was excited for this Movie Commentary! Happy 4th everyone!

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(Ep. 86): SR Podcast - May 2017

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

Oh what a time to be alive! That's what we keep hearing. And yes, it's true, it is quite a time to be alive when you get to listen to another edition of The Simplistic Reviews Podcast. Because, boy, let me tell you what, this one is a real doozy!

DJ, Justin, and Matt cover it all with their monthly news roundup that runs the gamet of nonsense to non-sensical.

And if you thought we liked fighting last month, wait until you get a load of "Simplistic Switcharoo." This time around, these Simplistic Scamps yammer on about who in Hollywood would do the other jobs better. We know you guys and gals have all fantasized about who would do our job better. Right? I mean imagine Betty White, Paula Deen, and Pat Sajak doing what we're doing...just imagine it...and imagine us on the "Golden Girl," cooking a fatty Southern racist meal, and giving the eyes to Vanna White...IMAGINE IT!

That, and we say hello to our PornHub resident scientist; PornHub Snooty Scientist, in what MAY be our last podcast ever....spoiler alert....it's not. Oh, and a conversation on Air Bud: Ninja Dog. May is go fetch....get it....we'll see ourselves out...

NOTES
Tom Hardy as Venom
Air Bud Rocks
Top Gun 2
Armond White Loves Baywatch

MUSIC

The Hell Raisers by Syd Dale
Cocaine Model By ZHU

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(Ep. 85): Deadly Prey - Movie Commentary: April 2017

Deadly Prey

1987 ‧ Drama/Action ‧ 1h 28m

 

  In Vietnam, he was the best... He still is! 

You've requested it, We watched it!

 

Deadly Prey is a fun film no doubt about that, might not be great film but boy is this a stupid fun time of a watch. So put on those short shorts, grab a duby and lets do some killing!

 Colonel Hogan is a ruthless former military officer who trains a large group of former U.S. Servicemen as mercenaries by having them hunt down and kill people they abduct off the streets of Los Angeles. Hogan's greedy financier Michaelson threatens Hogan to speed up the men's training or he will pull the plug on Hogan's training camp. However, Hogan and his men meet their match when their latest kidnap victim turns out to be a tough gung-ho marine named Mike Danton who despite being unarmed and hunted, he manages to decimate Hogan's men in detail. Frustrated Hogan, his tough right-hand man Thornton and personal assistant Sybil kidnap Danton's wife Jaimy to force him in the open, while Jaimy's retired police detective father tries to track down her and Danton who finds an unlikely ally in the form of a former marine buddy named Cooper who wants to help him take on all of Hogan's men. (IMDB) 

Simply Drinking: Take a drink of your favorite alcoholic beverage every time someone sneaks up on another person.

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(Ep. 84) SR Podcast - April 2017

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

 April Fools...this isn't really a podcast post....... so here's a picture of a Ryan Gosling eating cereal.

.....just kidding....maybe...but i mean just look at that sexy guy eating that cereal.

This month we make our grand return with all sorts of goodies. The fellas belly up to the bar to talk the news and their life failures in "What's On Tap."

We're also in the fighting mood this month and the only way to settle that is another round of "Simplistic Fisticuffs."

All this, mail order bride talk, trying to remember what the Street Sharks ever did for us, cross-dressing, and all shorts of April shenanigans on The Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

NOTES

The Bear in The Edge

Street Sharks Opening

Lee Tamahori's Fun Time

Belloq is Pimpin'

Batgirl Movie

Iron Fisting

MUSIC

Tears in the Rain by Vangelis

End Titles by Vangelis

The Hell Raisers by Syd Dale
Cocaine Model By ZHU

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(Ep. 83): SR Podcast - February 2017

It's been a long time, we shouldn't have left you, without a podcast to step to....step to, step to...you get it; it's like that Aaliyah song.

We gave you a movie commentary to quench that junkie's thirst for our imminent return, but nothing can prepare you for this month's podcast that is sure to give you heart palpitations.

From the sultry tones of Al Pacino as he talks nipple clamps and spankings...to us wagering our souls, dignity and enthusiasm on 2017 films...and of course we have a game for you, because we love you so very much.

We return with "Hey Fuckhead," where we tear apart those in Hollywood that really piss...us...off, here's a hint; he's a world leader who probably has a tiny wiener...take that as you may.

Just in time for Valentine's Day, the newest Simplistic Reviews podcast. Body harnesses and ball gags not included.

NOTES
World War Z
Jimmy Fallon & Alec Baldwin
Green Lantern Shortlist

MUSIC

Cocaine Model By ZHU

By The Croft By Joakim Karud

What Time Is It By General Crook

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